Saturday, January 7, 2012

happy new year!!!

I wish you a very happy, healthy, & prosperous 2012!

For those of you who enjoy Hypnotic Suggestion:

a wink and a smile to luckstrike0 !!!!

I couldn't figure out how to post a vid without downloading to my old & slow computer, so just copy & paste the link...most of you will be glad you did.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Yes, I'm still here!

Hello readers! After months and months of not posting here, I thought I should at least tell my faithful followers that although things have gotten horribly busy in my life, I am still alive and kickin'!

I took on a huge (but lucrative and fulfilling) commitment that takes so much of my time that I haven't even had time to sign in and tell you all that I'm still breathing.

I have not published the book yet, and I have no idea when I will get the time needed to pursue that. The only thing I can tell you is that I finished it, and I had a few confidants read it and they all thought it was very good.

Take care of yourselves. That really translates as "Be Safe above all"...remember that bad things happen to good people and you should make every effort to prevent them from happening to you. (Don't text & drive, use condoms, no blow dryers when you are bathing, etc.)

Merry Christmas and Happy & Healthy 2012!!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

the Questionaire

As I mentioned in the last post my friend Gem (pictured above) and I have generated a questionnaire to help you decide just exactly where you fit into this emotional equation. Let’s assume that you’ve given yourself some label like, shemale, transvestite, sissy, crossdresser, transsexual, or even emo trap punk goth gurl, and you keep on running into other labels that seem to fit you least until some other mood strikes. Sometimes our moods even change how we perceive ourselves and how we fit into the grand scheme of things.

The goal of this questionnaire is to have fun and give your desires and goals some thought. Be honest with yourself! (We hope even those who label themselves as “chasers” or “admirers” will find it fun to read as well. It might even give them a new sense of appreciation for what girls go through to look presentable.)

The basics:
1) To what degree have you dressed at any time in your life? Do you dress completely from head to toe, or do you just put a pair of panties on for a sexual thrill? Do you have any facial hair (beard or moustache)? What has kept you from shaving it off? Do you keep your armpits shaved?
2) How much time, effort, and money have you spent on body hair removal in the last year? This includes waxing, laser, shaving, depilatories, and of course the eternal plucking. Have you ever plugged the drain in your shower, tub, or sink with hair?
3) How many complete changes of clothes do you own? Dresses, slacks, skirts, blouses, casual wear, shoes, accessories? Do you own a woman’s watch or earrings? If you live in northern climes, do you own a woman’s coat?
4) Do you own any male underwear? Have you worn it recently? Is your wardrobe restricted to lingerie only?
5) When was the last time you used a masculine scent of any kind? When was the last time you left the house without dabbing on a little perfume?
6) Other than Halloween, have you ever dressed outside the privacy of your home? Have you ever left your home dressed? (If you’re 24/7, do you ever leave the house dressed as a male?) Have you ever been out on a date dressed?
7) Is there anyone that you know who assumes that you were born female? Is there another single soul on earth (other than internet friends) who knows that you dress?
8) Do you dress for any sexual reason at all? When you dress, do you get an immediate sexual thrill? Or do you just feel more comfortable in women’s attire? Do you feel uncomfortable or somehow incomplete in men’s clothing?
9) How good are you at applying your own make-up? Have you spent at least a hundred hours in front of a mirror perfecting your ‘look’? In the course of the average month, how much money do you spend on cosmetics? How many hours have you watched YouTube instructional videos on how to apply eye make-up for that ‘smoky’ look? Do you spend more than 1 hour per month caring for your finger or toe nails? Are they painted right now? Have you ever worn extensions?
10) Do you dress to be “seen” and attract or impress others, or do you do it for yourself and only in private? Do you read fashion magazines?
11) Are there pictures of you dressed (completely) on at least three websites? Does anyone have a picture of the ‘real you’ on their mantle, in their wallet or purse?
12) Have you ever had a ‘make-over’ by a professional make-up artist and photographer?
13) Do you feel that you can pass as a GG in public? This assumes you won’t get ‘clocked’ by 100% of the straight males and at least 75% of the females.

The Body:
14) Do you follow an exercise regimen to keep your body fit & trim?
15) Do you watch your diet on a daily basis because you wish to be healthy and attractive?
16) Have you given up even one unhealthy habit (e.g. drugs, drinking to excess, smoking, fast food, etc.) to take better care of your body in order to become more attractive?
17) Do you take herbal supplements for the purpose of feminizing your body?
18) Do you use daily transdermal estrogen or progesterone?
19) Would you (or do you) take chemical hormones? Specifically testosterone suppressors?
20) Would you consider getting an orchiectomy (castration) to limit the amount of testosterone coursing through your viens?
21) If you are on HRT do you continue to smoke even though you are aware of the increased health risks?
22) Have you ever wished that your penis wasn’t as large as it is?
23) Do you hate your genitals as they are now?
24) If you have not had an augmentation, do you have breasts of at least a noticeable size from all of your effort? Would you gladly submit to whatever surgical procedure and whatever expense you could reasonably afford to show a respectable amount of cleavage?
25) In your wildest imagination could you see yourself seriously considering SRS?
26) Would you gladly shorten your life for your appearance? Would you jump at the opportunity for ten years of breathtaking beauty even if it meant instant death at the end of those ten years?

The Living Arrangements:
27) Do financial, family, and relationship concerns prevent you from being the girl you really want to be? Does your sense of responsibility to others keep you from any real transition?
28) Is fear of ridicule the main deterrent to your transition?
29) Have you ever purged? How many times?
30) Are you in a relationship? Does your partner know about the real you? Have you repeatedly tried in vain to shove your femininity into the closet forever because it displeases your partner?
31) Is the ONLY reason that you are unhappy in your relationship is that your S.O. doesn’t understand or support your need to dress? Have you ever failed to appreciate how fortunate you’ve been in all other phases of your life because you’ve been unable to transition? Do you feel lonely even though you are in a loving relationship?
32) Are you one of the lucky few in a relationship with a loving partner? Are there times that you don’t appreciate how good things really are because you have been unable to exhibit the “real you”?

33) How do you think “The Higher Power” feels about you?

A) There is no such thing as a ‘higher power’; the universe is an accident of nature.
B) God doesn’t feel anything one way or the other about me. She has larger issues to deal with than my pitiful existence.
C) God finds my desires disgusting. My very existence gives him sorrow.
D) God understands why I am the way that I am; after all, he created me.

34) How to you feel about yourself?

A) I am repulsive. My outward appearance looks nothing like the real me and I’m pretty depressed as a result, but I’m unwilling to do anything drastic to change it.
B) Even though I am not very happy with my appearance, I am basically a good person. I thrive on the approval of others and most people like me. There are many people in my life who think that they know me well, but they have no clue about my ‘inner turmoil’.
C) I am adorable. Others should feel fortunate to know me. If people don’t like me, it’s their fault, probably because they are jealous.
D) I am misunderstood by most other people and as a result I usually avoid interaction with them.
E) I really don’t like myself at all. I have done some pretty mean or destructive things that I regret. My life is something that I endure. I can’t remember the last time I had fun when I wasn’t under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
F) None of the other answers apply to me. I guess if I have to pick one of these choices, I would say that I’m just OK. Although I have never had much “inner peace”, I have had a good life and have tried not to have a negative impact on the lives of the people that I care about.

The Desires:
35) Who is really your ideal dream date? Is it a good looking hunky guy, a sexy milf, or a sister Tgirl?
36) Who do you envision spending the rest of your life with?
37) Is being forced to dress an integral part of your fantasies?
38) Is being dominated or ‘relinquishing control’ a pivotal part of your fantasies?
39) When was last time you fantasized about penetrating a woman’s vagina with whatever you wanna call it?
40) When was the last time you had sex with a genetic girl? Were you able to get an erection? Were you able to satisfy her?

41) What is your general feeling about sexual relations?

A) I enjoy it a lot, I like giving head and being fucked and pretty much everything else (with a few exceptions).
B) I’m an actual sex addict and should seek professional help, but I won’t because I love it too much. I’m continually searching for sex partners, and no matter how many times I’ve had sex in the recent past I have never felt completely satisfied.
C) I like to give head, but anal sex turns me off. I won’t do that for anybody.
D) I like to receive anal, but giving head does nothing for me, I’ll do it just long enough to get the dick hard, but I really don’t want cum in my mouth. Yuck!
E) Even though I feel it’s not very ‘ladylike’, I have sex in order to satisfy my lover, but I really don’t enjoy it very much.
F) I’m not interested in having sex at all.
G) The extent of my lovemaking is giving and receiving handjobs (or mutual masturbation). I just wouldn’t feel comfortable doing any more than that!
H) I’m a lesbian (transbian) and enjoy getting head or fucking my partners. I love both kinds of women (GG & T-girl), but I’m not interested in having any other dicks around.
I) I suppose if he got down on one knee, asked me to marry him, and produced a nice diamond ring…did I mention a nice house and a car too? If I’m gonna be his queen, I want to live in a castle!

42) Do you own at least two dildos? Do you regularly play with them? Is one of them a realistic size and shape (to stay in practice just in case you get lucky)? Do you really enjoy the entire experience even though it hurts a little to begin with? Do you like that part too?
43) Have you ever had an orgasm strictly from anal penetration? Have you ever ejaculated while being penetrated without any manual stimulation?
44) Do you commonly fantasize about being penetrated by a real cock? Or does the mere thought of it turn you off? Do you often have dreams about cock?
45) Have you ever been penetrated by a real cock?
46) When you are watching a love scene in a mainstream film or on TV do you unconsciously identify with the female? (i.e. Look at that lucky bitch. I’d give anything to trade places with her.) Do you find handsome men attractive? Or are you just attracted to them because of what’s between their legs? Are you really attracted to them, or do you have sex with them to “ratify your existence as a woman”? Do think that you could ever fall in love with a man?

47) When you see a very attractive woman you:

A) Are jealous as hell and wish it were so easy for you to look that good.
B) Wish she would dress you up and jack you off.
C) Wish you could be friends so she would introduce you to some gentlemanly handsome (but horny) guys.
D) Take you home so you can be her maid (without any hope of ever having any kind of sex).

48) Do you have any bumper stickers (no matter how obscure or discreet) that identify you as one of “us”?
49) Does the thought of having a cock in your mouth disgust you or arouse you?
50) Have you ever masturbated for the sole purpose of tasting the resultant cum?
51) Have you ever had a real cock in your mouth?
52) Do you enjoy sucking cock to the point of being extremely aroused? Have you ever sucked a cock to completion? Did the taste of cum turn you on even more? Are you fascinated by the moment of ejaculation? Could you watch videos of squirting cocks for hours and never tire of it?
53) Do you fantasize about being forcibly taken? (i.e. No bruises, but being slapped, spanked, hair pulled, fucked a little harder than is really comfortable, made to gag or choke on a hard cock. This does not include rape, just rough sex.)
54) Do you fantasize about gang bangs because just one cock could never satisfy your wanton lust?
55) Have you ever had more than one sex partner in any given 24 hour period?
56) Have you ever attended a “hotel party”? (This where you and possibly multiple other girls dress in private in the room and subsequently have sex with each other or whoever shows up.)
57) Have you ever been paid for sex? Did you revel in the knowledge that you were a prostitute even if it was only once. Did you make him use a condom?
58) During sex do you like it when your partner calls you derogatory names like whore, bitch, etc? Are you willing to excite your partner by being verbal during sex?
59) Do you often use drugs (including cocaine or poppers) when engaging in sexual activity? This would include drinking enough alcohol to become more than a little tipsy. Do you get aroused by self-destructive behavior? Do you regularly have unprotected sex with strangers even though you know the risks?
60) Have you ever been arrested for sexual activity? This does not include being arrested or harassed by the police simply for being dressed in public.

Suffice to say that most of the questions were written to elicit some soul searching. I hope it makes a few girls think about what they are doing and ask themselves some tough questions. Unfortunately it’s pretty much geared to the MTF segment of the intersexed or transgendered population, but neither Gem nor I would know where to begin in an analysis of the problems faced by the average FTM.

While we were composing the list (yes, we giggled a lot), we came to the realization that those who are not T-oriented would get a lot out of just reading the questions too. I don’t think the average guy has any idea at all of how much trouble even a genetic girl goes too just to get ready for an ordinary dinner date. If they could only imagine the effort required (let alone the expense), they would be a little bit more understanding as to why we get so incredibly pissed off when we get stood up! I say make those fuckers put on eyeliner…just once, and then they’d have a small inkling of what a pain in the ass it is to get all dolled up for them. While you’re at it boys, jerk out just five eyebrow hairs with a tweezers. I’d say on the average we pluck at least twenty a month…by the roots. The really twisted part is that we enjoy doing it for you, so don’t forget to give your girl lots of nice compliments on how she looks.


Monday, August 30, 2010

food for thought

A couple of months ago, I was sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office when I began chatting with the only other patient who was sitting there. We hit it off, and decided to go have coffee together after our appointments. We went to a nearby cafe and sat for a few minutes just getting to know one another. She’s a great kid who has a good sense of humor and is easy to talk to. I was a little surprised when she mentioned that she had seen the doctor today to monitor the dosages of her HRT.

I must be getting old, I had no idea that my new little friend had been born and raised a male. When I told her my story, she was more than a little surprised as well; she thought I was just another overly chatty old lady.

Her name is Gem (pronounced: Jemm) and at age 16, she had been going through bouts of depression, and had become uncommunicative to the point of not speaking to either of her parents. Her parents had wondered what could possibly be wrong with their child, and sent her to the family physician, who in turn referred her to a psychiatrist.

She told me that she was just unable to converse with her parents on any level because she ‘just knew’ that there would not be any way for them to understand what she was going through. Luckily, she was able (after several appointments) to open up to the shrink and actually begin to explain how she felt. Another lucky part of the story is that the shrink was female…it was so much easier to explain what she was feeling to a woman.

Not only has medical science come a long way since I came to the realization that something was definitely different about me, but evidently the sciences of psychology and psychiatry have come a long way too. I guess some of it must be that science has finally awakened to the fact that a percentage of us human beings cannot be neatly tucked into either one of their gender pigeonholes.

When I told Gem that I never had SRS, and had never regretted it, she was intrigued by the thought process that went with that sentiment. It took me ten minutes of explaining before she finally wrapped her brain around the fact that there were virtually no doctors performing the surgery in the U.S. when I first became aware of my sexuality (or gender difference). By the time that it was readily available, I had come to realize that I was happy with the ways things were ‘down there’.

Gem is 18 now, and she produced a three ring binder in which she keeps all of her medical related materials. She brings it with her to every appointment because inevitably she will be asked for dates, dosages on her meds, other doctors seen, etc…and a girl just can’t remember everything.

I asked her how she was getting along with her parents now. She sadly related that her father has basically disowned her, but that she does have lunch with her mother occasionally. “It’s not a comfortable relationship for either one of us, but it is slowly getting better. I hope this year to finally get her to call me Gem…and who knows, maybe next year a little ‘girltalk’.”

While we were looking through her binder, we came across a list of questions that she had been asked to evidently find out what made her think that she might like to begin transition. We both decided that the list of questions was woefully incomplete. I told her about this blog and we came up with about fifty questions that would just give a girl a sort of a preliminary idea of what category she fit in and why she desires to:

a) Wear the clothing of and/or at least appear to be of the opposite sex.


b) Become a member of the opposite sex.

It surely isn’t to expose yourself to ridicule, scrutiny, or discrimination, or for that matter physical harm…

What is it that makes you tick? Complete the questionnaire in the next post and see for yourself.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

more art

Since my faithful readers haven't posted a comment on my last two entries (it has been MONTHS!) I've decided to post some more art here. They are works generated by an artist named CamilleMM, visit her website for more cute pics.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Informative Documentary

I thought this HBO documentary that I found on YouTube important enough that I would break my personal rule of not posting until a reader had posted a comment on the latest entry. For those of you who aren't aware, depending on the source of your statistic, somewhere between one and two percent of the human population on planet earth are born intersexed.

Let's take the median figure and just say one in every seventy-five persons was born "somewhere in between". Odds are that you know someone who has been dealing with this all their lives. It might be a co-worker, the person sitting next to you at church, or even your best friend.

I cried gallons of tears in my early youth because of fear, and yes even self loathing. But in time I began to accept myself for who I am and how God made me. Part of the problem was that I was not only intersexed, but also OVERsexed. Even though I'm in my fifties, and my hormones are all out of whack, I still think about sex pretty much all the time. I have 'compartmentalized' my life into separate pieces: financial security, family, religion, friendship, love, romance, and sex. I never really felt the need to stir them all up together and make some kind of "stew".

Having lived my formative years in a time when subjects like 'ambiguous gender' were never discussed, I can't tell you how much it has meant to me to find out that I'm not alone. Don't get me wrong, I've been at ease with who I am for many years, and I wouldn't change a thing about my life even if I could. But it is a comfort to know that I have lots of company!

I tried the "insert link" button five times and couldn't get the link to appear in this post, so you'll have to copy & paste the web address into your browser:

Love to all of you who are either in this category of humanity, or are trying to learn more about us.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sugar Moon

What is it about a full moon that makes me so incredibly sentimental? I can't help but think about the beauty of God's Universe and the people who have made my existence bearable with their love.

I traveled back to Denver to spend Easter with my sisters and their families. I had forgotten how clear the sky is here and how the features of the moon are seen so clearly with the naked eye.

I'm transported back to when I was a very small child riding in the back of my Dad's car coming home after dark. I was only about 5 years old and therefore pretty gullible. I wondered aloud "Why is the moon following US home?" One of my older sisters proffered "Because our family is so special the moon always follows us." I bought this story hook, line, and sinker and believed it for quite some time.

There have been many times that I've been overwhelmed with the absence of a loved one, and the moon gave me some comfort. I would always think that the person that I was missing might be looking up at the moon and thinking of me at that moment.